moving

"The great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, but where we are moving" Oliver Wendell Holmes

This is one thing I can say for myself. I may not be perfect, but I am always striving to move in that direction. I am always trying to improve myself and the world around me. I think that's a great way to be. So many people just make it through life without thinking about growing. It takes thought and it takes work and it's completely worth it.

I had a great conversation today with a friend about the power of our words to create our life. And I realized I need to grow in this area. How much of what comes out of my mouth is ultimately negative ie: a complaint, gripe, negative comment, whining etc...! How much better would my life be and the lives of those around me if I were more careful and more positive in my speech? I think I would see many things coming to fruition that I have only dreamed of till now. So today I begin moving in that direction. What direction are you moving in today?

history

I came home last night to find my ex and his wife taking care of my little grandson Nate. He's been sick and had to stay home from church. I live with my son and daughter-in-law, so it's not unusual to come home to visitors but this was weird because....well because it was my ex-husband...and his wife. And more than that, this time was weird because it really hit me... I didn't feel sad or upset at all. Usually I feel a little sad after seeing him, and I've always interpretted that as missing him in some way. But over the last year I've realized it is not him I miss. It is that he is the one person outside my family who has shared the greater part of my history. I'll never be involved with someone again who has known my mother and father. (They've both passed away) I'll never have someone in my life who has seen me through the struggles of becoming an adult, raising kids, or figuring out who I am as a person. Although that last part has been done mainly after the starter husband, so I guess that doesn't count. I think this is where the sadness has come from in the past. Perhaps the absence of those feelings now signals I am past the greif of this loss and ready to share my life with someone who is more familiar and comfortable with the person I have become, instead of someone who knows the person I used to be.

prune

I just finished my first book selection from my trip to McKay's yesterday. I spent the last hour and a half reading the last of it and now my entire body is a giant prune. Yikes! I had to finish it though. It was one of those books that is uncomfortable to read, because it is a little too neurotic and a little too real. And I think for me a little too close to home. It was called "Welcome to My Planet", about a woman who slips into a depression, becomes addicted to tv, keeps looking to a boyfriend or husband to make her life complete and happy, doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, always feels like she is missing "something" in her life, etc... All I can say is I've got the t-shirts for all those destinations and none of them were fun. So I had an urgency to finish the book and see how she turns out. And thank goodness it turned out well. (I get way to involved in the emotions of the story sometimes, can you tell?) She , like me, begins to learn about being present in her life and making choices that take her to a better destination. Which is what my whole focus is with this blog. Hopefully, I am accomplishing it in a slightly less painful and neurotic way than she, but the most important thing is that I am accomplishing it. One choice at a time!

Not what I expected

Well, today I did not accomplish what I'd expected to accomplish. But I did accomplish other things that were just as important. My son and I cleaned out the garage. My main focus was to be able to get to the pilates machine that I have yet to test out and that I can benefit greatly from no doubt. I did get the area cleared and ready, but still no test run. So my flabby core is still....well flabby. To make room for this year's box of financial papers in the storage area, I took up an old year's box to shred the contents. And as I sat overheating my poor little shredder, it hit me how very grateful I am to not have such a mountain of bills any more. But even more so I am thankful to not have the name or the life that I had then. Looking back, it's weird to see how unhappy I was. I wish I had not spent so much time living a life I did not enjoy. But that is the past and this is my present. In the present, I feel fulfilled in my work, happy with my relationships, comfortable in my skin, blessed in my home and confident in my ability to change and adapt to what life brings me each day. I'm in a really good place. So I accomplished a lot today, in an unexpected way.

Day thirteen

Thirteen days into the experiment:

I have a little rash on my arm and my friend Sharon at work says it must be from  TV withdrawls...she says I'm having the DTV's. I on the other hand, think it's going really well. I've done a lot more dancing in the last two weeks, spent more time with friends, exercised more, (2 miles on the elliptical tonight) done more writing, more experimenting with raw food dishes (ask me  about the pumpkin seed pate some time) and have actually lost 5 pounds! As experiments go, I'd say this one has been all good so far. I'm excited about what is to come. Oh, and that's the other thing. I'm feeling very upbeat and dare I say it- optimistic. Not that I'm normally a pessimist, but more of a pragmatist. Maybe I'm focusing more on the possibilities instead of the obstacles. Whatever it is, I like it. So onward and upward! What things would you like to see shifting in your life? What are you willing to do to help them move? Something to think about. See you tomorrow.

Purpose

The main purpose for this blog is to force me to write. And to write everyday. And secondly, to help me develop my voice and what I want to say. Giving up the boob tube is mainly about developing myself. At the end of 2010 I want to be more than I am at this moment. A better writer, a better photographer, but also a better person. I want to be a better friend, a better sister and mother. This is a scary place for me. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am an extremely private person. I don't open up to many people. Maybe I figure the less of myself I put out there, the less they have to judge. But it also makes it very hard to connect. I often feel disconnected and distant from people and the world around me. So back to the theory of doing something different to get different results. This is radically different for me! Hanging myself out here for all to see. Even if no one reads these words. At least I've opened the door and made myself available. So here I am!